Alone

Four years ago I started this blog to record my thoughts and personal opinions with the void.  However, I’ve come to realize that this was mostly a space that acted like a dream-board without me ever having to admit that I had one.  Before writing this, I browsed through my old posts.  An old collection of aspirations, dreams, and poems that expressed how I felt better than I could, I decided to leave them as they were.  The past may look messy and it was sure as hell unpleasant to walk through at the time, but it was necessary to get to the present.  Today, I am alone.  Tomorrow, I will be alone.  And this is okay.

To be clear, I am alone but I am also not–meaning that I am always accompanied by the past, certain events, people, and the spirit.  The spirit is something that tends to follow me around all the time.  It sits just behind me or with my heart as I go about my days.  It peers from behind my shoulder, watching me write.  It looks at those I talk to and whispers reminders to see the world and the people in it through grace.  This is not easy to do, and I often fail.  Sometimes you have to look really hard for the light that is in others, sometimes they will not want you to see; but it will always be there.

As the world and its glorified treasures fell away or deserted, the spirit remained.  Then, (something that I had not done for a very time) I turned around and looked it in the face.  Looking back at myself was a mirrored image of what looked like a happier, more at peace ‘me.’  Odd.  How could ‘me’ know what was right and wise while also ‘me’ flitted around messing everything up and bumping into things?  So in that moment, I decided to give myself a hug, and let the spirit ‘me’ be my guide.  This is not a post advocating for one to find God or the spirit as the personal self…I don’t know if I could say those were the same things.  However, I am saying that trusting yourself and letting the spirit of God or whatever drives you, be your guide.

In less than a month I will be moving to Boston.  Accepted as a masters student at a very important institution, I am getting ready to begin a new and very scary chapter of my life.  Hopefully, the spirit and I will find new life there, a new home, and a new purpose.

Until then, peace.